avanta7: (Smile Kitty)
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know,' he said, 'I am over 90 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove for a while?'

The driver said, 'No problem, Mr. Graham. Have at it.'

Billy took the driver's place behind the wheel and they headed off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law....But I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'

The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the President.'

The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor asked, 'More important than the President? Who on Earth have you stopped??'

The young trooper took a deep breath and said, the punch line. )
avanta7: (Wicked Witch Feet)
WATER SEEKS ITS OWN LEVEL

Crawford, Texas, WSJ, July 13, 2007

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the entire personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost.

A presidential spokesperson said that the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

New Cat

May. 18th, 2007 08:10 pm
avanta7: (Exhausted Kitty)
No, I don't have one. That's the title of this e-mail funny my mom sent me.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about,which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?


I can't imagine.

*snerk*
avanta7: (Smile Kitty)
New drugs, especially for women!

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
avanta7: (Wicked Witch Feet)
A self-important college freshman attending a football game took it upon himself to explain to the senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," he paused a moment to take another swig of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding.
avanta7: (Smile Kitty)
GOD & THE BIKER

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said:

"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And the Lord replied... )
avanta7: (Default)
On the first day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten years, so that's what I'll do too, okay?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?' "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.....go figure huh??
avanta7: (Default)
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when an intruder startled her. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of your sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?!?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Axe and two 38's!"

(stolen from beteljooz on BX)
avanta7: (Default)
As I was getting ingredients together to make dinner this evening, I asked spouse to bring me the box of couscous from the cupboard. (you must click the link. trust me.)

He got the box and then stood in front of me, waggling it from side to side. "What am I doing?" he asked.
"What?"
"What am I doing?" He continued to shake the box gently, side to side.
"Shaking the couscous?"
"Nope."
"Waggling the pasta?"
"Nope."
"I give up. What are you doing?"
Punch line here )

August 2013

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